I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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