Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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