i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
