I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
