i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
