Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
