It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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