how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
