I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
