Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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