I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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