John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
