Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
