He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
