If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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