you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
