What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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