he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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