Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Your penis caused this!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
