sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have aggressive nipples.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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