party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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