Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
