My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
