Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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