I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
