If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
