whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm too high and old for this...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
