If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
