Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
