I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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