My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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