Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
