This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
