i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
