You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
