I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
