you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
