lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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