they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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