Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
