I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
false alarm. still invincible.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
