STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
