just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
