I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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