a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
