I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
