I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
