Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
