I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
