he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Randomize
